Did you know that only about 15% of lesbians have sex more than twice a week, and about 40% stated there were weeks when they had no sex at all?
According to a study conducted by Dr. Karen Blair, who tested more than 800 men and women in relationships, lesbians don’t seem to have sex as much as gay men or heterosexual couples, but they had sex longer-usually 30 minutes. 10% of lesbians reported they have sex 2 hours or more.
If you’re in a lesbian relationship and want to have a more spicy sex life, or want to learn how to overcome the obstacles that are holding you back from achieving sexual bliss, Dr. Jess, (Jessica O’Reilly) a popular sexologist, relationship expert, and television host of Playboy TV’s reality show, SWING, will teach you the ropes on having a creative, erotic sex life.
Possessing a Ph.D. in human sexuality, Dr. Jess has successfully worked with over 2000 couples around the world to help them achieve the sex life of their dreams. Her first book, Hot Sex Tips, Tricks and Licks, is a best-seller. Read on to learn how to seduce your woman, have stronger orgasms and how to keep her turned on and ready for action.
Florence: What are two Kama Sutra techniques women can use to spark up the flames in the bedroom? How can Kama Sutra help women have better orgasms?
1. Breathing is elemental to orgasm; so try some very slow deep breathing as you allow your lover to stimulate the entire surface of your body. Close your eyes, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, and focus on nothing but the physical sensations of touch
2. Breath kisses: breathe warm, gentle kisses as close to the skin as possible without allowing your lips to make contact. Follow the curves of the body moving very slowly and allowing the nerve endings to be awakened across the entire surface of your lover’s skin.
The approaches outlined in The Kama Sutra emphasize connection, intimacy and s-l-o-w-i-n-g things down to allow arousal and anticipation to build. The result of this buildup can be intense and might include more powerful orgasms.
Florence: How does spirituality improve sex?
Dr. Jess: Some people view sex as a spiritual experience and describe their orgasms as ecstatic. Like all genuine sexual experiences, ecstasy is not a goal, but a by-product of a powerful connection with oneself or a lover. Those who consider orgasms a source of overwhelming happiness and joy remark that the entire process begins in their minds.
Orgasms during childbirth are also sometimes described as ecstatic and new research suggests that there may be an anatomical explanation: as the baby passes through the vaginal canal, the sexual organs can be stimulated, the uterus contracts and the brain may recall pleasurable experiences associated with this physical contact. One study of French midwives revealed that they not only witness pleasure during birth, many women (668 cases) reported that they felt orgasmic sensations in the process.
Florence: What really turns lesbian women on sexually?
Dr. Jess: Lesbian women are highly diverse in their turn-ons, so it’s difficult to generalize about such a large and complex group. However, many women are turned on by:
○ closeness and intimacy
○ the feeling of being genuinely desired (show her how much you want her!)
○ the anticipation of a satisfying experience
○ eroticism that isn’t relegated to the bedroom -- flirting that begins earlier in the day/week.
Florence: Some women have trouble achieving orgasms. What are two things they can do besides masturbation that can help them have clitoral or vaginal orgasms with their partners? Should they focus on vaginal/clitoral stimulation at the same time or is one better than the other?
Dr. Jess: During intercourse, try lying on your stomach with your legs together and your hand beneath your pubic mound so that you can grind against it. Squeeze your legs together to combine both vaginal and clitoral stimulation.
You may also want to consider using a vibrator during partnered play. You can use a hand-held bullet, a vibrating cock ring or a couples’ vibrator that is designed to be worn during intercourse, like the We-Vibe
Florence: Illness or cancer can definitely put a damper on sex, but it doesn’t have to. What do you recommend to couples who are dealing with illness who wants a healthy and active sex life?
Dr. Jess: Sex doesn’t end because you’re ill, but you may choose to put it on hold or change the ways in which you interact sexually. This is entirely your choice. After chemotherapy, for example, some women find sex painful. The use of a good quality lubricant, relaxation exercises, kegels and experimenting with methods of non-penetrative stimulation are some of the approaches to overcome changes in the body post-cancer.
If you’re in a relationship, the most important thing (after taking care of yourself) you can do is to talk to your partner about what you’re feeling and how they can help. Be honest about the ways in which your experiences of desire and pleasure have changed and ask for what you want.
Florence: Rape and other traumas often affect women’s sex lives and causes them to lose the ability to be vulnerable during sex. What are two things women can do to release their fears and embrace their sexuality with their partners?
Dr. Jess: Survivors of abuse react in a variety of ways that are personal and valid. Many people have difficulty having sex in their traditional fashion after a traumatic event and this is perfectly normal. You may want to seek counseling from someone who specializes in working with survivors or you may want to join a support group. In most cases, there is no quick fix, so tell your partner that you need their patience, reassurance and support. Talk about other ways that you can maintain the intimate connection (e.g. kissing, snuggling, reading an erotic story together) and don’t rush the process.
Oftentimes, self-pleasure is the first step toward re-embracing and re-discovering your sexuality, but each woman’s journey is unique.
Florence: TV and social media has had a big impact in our lives and relationships. Do you think that TV and social media has changed the way we have sex? If so, did it help or hurt us, and in what ways?
Dr. Jess: Technology has certainly changed the way we date, interact and maintain relationships and though most stories focus on the negative interactions (e.g. lack of presence), we have to remember that technology has also improved relationships. It is now easier to find like-minded dates through online dating sites and technology connects us when there is physical distance between lovers. I travel for work every week, but I stay connected to my partner via text, phone and Skype.
Florence: Some long distance relationships end due to the lack of physical contact/intimacy. Can you provide tips on how to have sex when you are miles away from your partner? In other words, how can a couple in a long distance relationship keep their sex life sizzling hot?
Dr. Jess: Skype, Facetime and other video phone programs can keep things sizzling when you're hundreds of miles away. Sexting also provides a titillating prelude to later in-person or on-camera hook ups. Close-ups of body parts can make for hot messages while ensuring enough distortion to protect your identity. When you do visit, hide sexy love notes in your partner’s home so that they’ll find them after you leave.
Florence: What are the unknown benefits of swinging and what are two secrets to swinging successfully for couples? Why do you think that swinging is more prevalent among today’s couples than before?
Dr. Jess: There are no universal benefits to swinging — it works for some couples, but would never work for others. You have to decide what works for you. However, couples who swing often report improved communication (you’re forced to talk about your fears and vulnerabilities), an intensified bond (there is something exciting about sharing a secret that is so taboo) and of course, a hot sex life!
For swinging to be successful, you have to be honest with one another. You have to talk about your concerns, insecurities, jealousy triggers and boundaries. You have to admit when you’re feeling vulnerable and be open to hearing your partner’s concerns. You also have to be flexible, because boundaries are not rigid. I don’t think swinging is more popular today than it was twenty years ago, but I think that we’re talking about it more, so the visibility has increased.
To learn more exciting sex tips from Dr. Jess, visit her website at http://www.sexwithdrjess.com.
Please view Dr. Jess’s bio here: http://www.astroglide.com/lube-ed/expert-advice/
View her Playboy Reality TV Show, SWING, here: http://www.playboytv.com/drjess/
Visit Dr. Jess on her social media websites:
In addition to her first book, Dr. Jess has also written The Little Book of Kink: Sexy Secrets for Thrilling Over-the-Edge Pleasure. Her most recent book, The New Sex Bible: The New Guide to Sexual Love, was released in September of last year by Quiver Publishing. Be sure to check it out on Amazon.com.